


Faith

by meesherbeans



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, No Smut, Past Torture, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6673417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meesherbeans/pseuds/meesherbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had already been a week since they discovered the truth about Elyna Danos's past, and neither she nor Carth had built up the courage to address it. The night before a dangerous stealth mission on Manaan, they finally come together to talk about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faith

Elyna – _not Revan, Elyna_ – looked up from the 'fresher sink. The haunted eyes that stared back at her couldn't focus through the tears. What did that face look like when it was corrupted by the Dark Side? Did her brown eyes deteriorate into round pools of fiery lava? Was her skin cracked and broken? Did the sound of her voice drip with venom?

The Jedi wasn't upset that she was still alive. Life wasn't perfect, but she had found relative happiness in her existence. She _was_ Elyna; at this point in her life, that was absolute truth. Even if that person didn't exist prior to the Council wiping her mind, she existed _now_. She was _real_. Darth Revan's past wasn't hers…yet it was inescapable.

How could the Council _do_ this to someone? On one hand, she was grateful for another shot at life, but on the other…how could they justify this? They wiped a living being's mind – a mind that, for better or for worse was fully intact and had made its own choices. Hollow sentiment though it was, Elyna couldn't help but feel disappointment and anger at the audacity of the act. To just…reprogram her like a droid? To refuse to waste her strength in the Force? To save her memories of the Star Forge, essentially use her as a receptacle for knowledge?

The arrogance chilled her to the bone. Revan wasn't a droid – she was a person. An evil, terrible person, but a person nonetheless. A thought idly drifted across her mind before she could stop it.

_What if that kind of Council behavior is why Revan fell to the Dark Side?_

Elyna shook her head and immediately left the 'fresher, slamming the door shut. Wiping her eyes as a cathartic sigh escaped her lips, she quickly made her way back to her private quarters. When the doors slid open, her stomach dropped.

It _still_ smelled like him.

Carth had taken the news of her…past the hardest, and although he said he would try to keep the anger from being directed at her, he ended up doing it anyway. The fact that he had refused to be alone with her, even for a moment, is what stung the most. Whether that was because he wanted to be mad but couldn't or if because he would blow up at her and wanted to avoid that, Elyna didn't know.

And not knowing was the worst feeling of all.

She slowly walked into the room and let her outer robe slide to the ground, not caring where it fell. She hadn't slept since the revelation, opting instead to meditate using the Force. If she were completely honest with herself, Elyna was terrified that any and every dream she had could trigger more memories from Revan. She was not that person, and more importantly did _not_ want to be that person.

Though her mind felt rested enough, her body was beginning to feel…slow. Old. Not allowing proper sleep was beginning to take a toll, and she knew that she would have to really sleep within the next several days or risk actually collapsing.

Given that they had to sneak into the Sith embassy in order to steal that droid tomorrow morning, Elyna knew tonight had to be the night of actual sleep. Thankfully everyone else was eager to stay at the diplomat suite in the Republic embassy; their tiredness of sleeping on ship bunks ensured that she would have a completely empty ship for the night.

If the Ebon Hawk were safely flying through space, she'd feel comfortable stripping down…but it was currently docked in Manaan's spaceport and there was no telling if a patrol or something of that ilk would decide to inspect the ship. Elyna's skin itched at the mere thought of sleeping in her Jedi tunic all night, but the possibility of a random stranger catching her off guard and naked immediately rendered any internal debate moot. With a small sigh, she crawled into bed.

And immediately regretted it.

No wonder the room still smelled like Carth despite her attempts to use air freshening products – up until everything came crashing down on the Leviathan, he had been spending every night with her.

Here. In bed.

The one place she never thought to spray. The sheets reeked of him, bringing tears to her eyes once more. Elyna closed her eyes and took a deep breath to begin meditating through the emotional outburst, but then just…stopped.

If she were going to have an emotional outburst, why not here? Why not now? She was alone. It's not as if – despite what Bastila constantly told her – she was going to spontaneously turn to the Dark Side if she allowed herself to feel human emotions once in a while.

Having your mentor sacrifice herself for you, your tentatively serious romantic relationship potentially destroyed, and finding out that you used to be by far the evilest person in the galaxy definitely counted as good cause to allow yourself to cry.

A week's worth of meditation and no sleep and biting her tongue around Carth and holding back the shock and worrying about suddenly reverting to Revan finally broke, tumbling out of her in the form of wracking sobs. Alone on the ship or not, Elyna tried to muffle the sounds with her pillow.

Minutes passed; the tears began to ease and the tension in her back slowly ebbed away. She felt more tired than she could ever remember. Instead of old, she felt beaten. Bruised. Even the torture she had endured on the Leviathan only a week ago couldn't compare to the mental exhaustion left in the wake of her sobbing.

Elyna took a deep, stabilizing breath, but ended up wanting to cry all over again. The sheets still smelled like Carth. She stood up and ripped them off the bed, tossing them across the room, the pillow cases shortly following suit.

_Thud, thud, thud._

Metal rang through the room as someone pounded on the door. Working on pure instinct, Elyna's lightsaber flew across the room and into her hand. She stepped away from the mass of sheets and circled toward the door, finger on the weapon's switch.

"Who is it?"

A familiar voice was faint through the durasteel. "Who else would know to find you here?"

She sighed and relaxed her stance. "Pretty much everyone on the crew, Carth."

"Well, uh… I guess. Can I come in?"

The hesitation only lasted a moment – _what if he's here to yell some more_ – before she waved her hand to unlock the door.

Elyna swallowed the lump that quickly formed in her throat as their eyes met, alone, for the first time in a week. It was a small comfort to her that he looked as miserable as she felt right now.

He stepped into the room, habit taking over as he turned to lock the door behind him. Elyna realized that her lightsaber was still in her hand and she gently floated it back to the table near the bed.

Several moments later, both adults had composed themselves enough to turn and inspect one another again. She was mostly relieved that he had come sans armor; it made his journey here slightly less safe, but it was a clear sign that he didn't consider her a threat. That was something, at least.

"So, uh. Why'd you pull all the sheets off the bed?" His eyes swiveled to the pile of cloth behind her.

The truth was probably the easiest way to dive in to this conversation; her gaze dodged his, focusing on the wall behind. "Because they smell like you."

He took a few steps forward, his voice indecisive. Almost wary. "Is that…a bad thing now?"

"Considering we haven't spoken in a week, and that last I knew, you couldn't trust me, just maybe it could be considered that way. Care to tell me if it's a bad thing now?" Her temper got the better of her for a few moments and she bit down on her lip to keep from berating him further.

The anger had its intended effect, however, and Carth visibly winced. "I, uh. I probably deserved that." He sighed and moved closer, arm gesturing to the now-bare bed. "Can we…talk? If you're ready to talk, that is."

Elyna nodded quietly and moved to sit down, Carth following and sitting a polite distance away. It felt weird; they had grown so close over the months they had spent together – fallen in love, really – and now here they were: cautiously avoiding touching each other.

The thought that this was about as bittersweet as it could get crossed her mind: if the Council hadn't reprogrammed her mind, she wouldn't have had the opportunity to fall in love with Carth…but the reprogramming also caused the rift currently lying between Jedi and pilot. She couldn't help a hollow chuckle. "It'd probably be better if you go first. I haven't had a great night."

Carth nodded and inspected her face for a moment, lightly frowning at what he saw. Red-rimmed eyes and the dried streaks of tears, she assumed. "I can see that."

He looked away, eyes glued to the floor. She didn't think he realized it, but his lips were silently moving – remembering something. Whatever he was about to say was clearly rehearsed in some manner, which gave Elyna a small amount of comfort. He had thought through whatever he was about to say to her.

"I can't hate you. I tried. I wanted to hold you responsible for all the things that Revan did. For my… For my wife, for Telos, for…Dustil. But I can't. I got the revenge I always wanted when Saul died, but it hasn't brought me the peace I thought it would. You were right, back when you said I needed to have something beyond revenge to keep me going. That it would consume me if I let it. And I…" He sighed.

Elyna frowned, reaching to hold his hand.

He responded immediately, turning to grasp her nearest hand with both of his, eyes now focusing on the entwined fingers. "All I've been able to think of is the promise I made to you. To protect you from what's going to come. It's the only thing that gives me some measure of peace when I think about the future."

"Carth, what are you saying?" He was making a lot of sweeping, vague statements and she was much too drained to sort through it all.

He let go of her hand and reached to touch the side of her face, gently encouraging her to face him. After a moment's hesitation, she shifted and their eyes met again. While his expression was still confused, somewhat standoffish, the warmth she had fallen for was still there. She felt a small wave of guilt wash over her as all of his experiences connected in her mind for the first time.

He left his family to fight in the Mandalorian Wars – a war _Revan_ encouraged. Then he left his family to help defend the Republic against the onslaught of the Jedi Civil War – a war _Revan_ started. Then Malak destroyed the family he had left to defend – he was _Revan's_ apprentice. Years later, Carth had finally managed to come to peace with it and connect with someone again…only to find out that the woman he had fallen in love with _was_ Revan – the one who was responsible for most of the horrific things that had happened in his life.

It was a miracle he was even still sane at this point.

"I'm saying that…the thought of protecting you gives me a purpose, to live past simple revenge. Despite whatever part of Revan is inside you, the…the darkness I'm afraid is there, it isn't _who_ you are. You are so much more than that. I know _you_ , and I want to give you a reason to fight to stay that way." His thumb brushed aside a wayward bang, her lips involuntarily twitching at the tickling sensation.

Elyna was both deeply touched and surprised; the atrocities he had lived through in life, and yet he still managed to find it in him to look past her…history. To go so far as to say he wanted to give her a reason to fight any dark urges, wanted to protect her. She lifted a hand to cup his face, but immediately cringed instead when a jolt of pain shot up her forearm.

 _Dammit._ That pain was getting worse with time, not better.

Carth's eyes widened with concern and he reached to hold her arm, inspecting the deep scarring. He had no skill with medicine, though, and instead just ended up looking helpless. "What happened?"

She had been trying to not let on how badly they had tortured her aboard the Leviathan, to leverage their distance in order to heal before telling him. He was not going to be happy. Elyna took a deep breath and gave Carth a quiet look. "It… It was Saul's men."

"This looks like it was a burn. A deep one. What did they do to you?!" His gaze intensified again, trying to inspect every inch of her exposed skin. To see if there was anything else normally hidden by her voluminous robes.

It would likely make him more upset, but she simply couldn't help asking.

"Will you promise not to be mad at me?"

A dry look was immediately shot her way. "Why would I possibly be mad at _you_ because _they_ did terrible things to you?"

Elyna wasn't completely sure how guilt had managed to sneak its way into her feelings at this point, but it was there: a quiet mantle of responsibility settling on her shoulders. The pang forced her to focus the scar on her arm, avoiding his gaze.

"After I… After I refused to tell Saul anything, and you passed out from the torture, he…got pissed. Told his men to continue to use the machine on you until I 'saw reason.' After he left, I begged them to torture me instead. I guess the opportunity to torture the former Lord Revan was too good to pass up, because they agreed readily."

Carth's fingers grazed a hairsbreadth above the burn, silent.

It had only been a week and was still painful to remember, but she pressed forward. "They got creative after a while; at one point, they overheated a blaster rifle and wrapped it against my arm. I don't know what they did with me after I passed out, but I don't think they stopped. They were kicking me awake but I had a bandage on this. Guess that might've damaged the goods too much otherwise."

"You didn't have to do that. I'm not a Jedi, but I am a soldier. I could have taken it. Knowing they did this to you…" The sober strain that laced through Carth's voice was ten times worse than anger.

She sighed and looked at him again. "Yes, I did. You were already unconscious because I refused to talk. I'm so sorry about that, Carth."

"No. Don't apologize. I begged you not to tell him anything. This isn't your fault, and it isn't my fault. It was _Saul's_ fault, and he paid the price for it."

Elyna reached with her good arm, sweeping loose wisps of hair away from his forehead. "It happened regardless. I don't want you hurt defending me, Carth. Not ever again."

"I think I would be hurt worse if I didn't try." His eyes were steely once more. He was so stubborn sometimes; it brought a faint smirk to her lips.

She could be stubborn as well. "Things are going to get more and more dangerous, Carth. I can't promise that I'm going to come out of all of this alive – I don't want you to risk yourself, too."

The grim atmosphere lightened a notch when he sighed and gave her a slight smile. "You really are the most damnably persistent woman I've ever met."

The two sat quietly together, eyes locked. Several long heartbeats passed before Elyna could muster the will to break that silence. She slowly – carefully – lifted her bad arm to rest a hand on his chest.

"So…what do we do about us, Carth?"

He looked down, gathering both of her hands and pressing a gentle kiss against her fingers. "I know I'm not Force Sensitive or anything, but I have a feeling. I think there's going to come a time – very soon – where you're going to have to make a choice. And there won't be any turning back from that decision. I really want you to make the right one; like I said earlier, I want to give you a reason to."

There was nothing in his gaze or his tone that indicated anything but support, yet Elyna still felt the need to ask. Perhaps it was insecurity on her part, or simply needing to hear the words plainly from his mouth. "Are you okay with my… With everything?"

"No. Honestly, I'm really not. It'll take years to get over. But…it's not your fault. You may have been Revan _before_ , but you can make the choice to not go back down that path. I was mad at you at first, but it's just not your fault. I mean, if they hadn't wiped Revan's mind, she would have just died. Then I would never have gotten to know _you_."

Relief and gratitude swelled over her, happy tears slowly blurring her vision. Rarely was she struck speechless, but there didn't seem to be adequate words to tell him how important his support was to her. The best she could settle for was reaching up to touch his cheek and smiling as her fingers rasped against stubble.

Carth nudged to move closer and wrap his arms around her. "And…I still love you. I don't know Revan, but I know you. And I want to have a future, with you. I want to make that future worth fighting for."

"…I love you, Carth." She leaned back and caught his eye, running her hand through the hair behind his ear. "So much. And I'll choose to stay with you, every time. I'm not…whoever Revan was. I really don't remember anything other than small flashbacks, and that…monster isn't me."

He smiled quietly before kissing her forehead. "I believe you. I believe _in_ you."

"Thank you." Elyna closed her eyes and tilted her head back, lips immediately finding his.


End file.
